Courage, Caregiving, and the Practice of Healthy Love

This blog is born out of deep love and the courage it takes to live life honestly.

The purpose of my blog is threefold. 

Share my experiences and thoughts on Courage; 

• Lift up Caregiving, and especially Family Caregivers who keep our society
  	   functioning every day; and

• Elucidate the core aspects of Healthy Love/Healthy Grief so others can
  	   practice it.

• To begin, let me share some of my initial thoughts on all three of these blog topics.
  

Courage

I had my first experience with real courage in my family of origin. I had come to realize I was a lesbian as a teenager, during my first few years of college. I was terrified to tell my parents, who were Southern, strict Christians, and very conservative, for fear they would disown me. At the same time, I was uncomfortable sacrificing my personal integrity to their worldview. This internal struggle continued for years, and involved lots of obfuscating and outright lying, all of which corroded my sense of myself far more than my sexual orientation. When I finally came out to my parents, my worst fear came true. My father disowned me for twenty years, reconciling only on his literal deathbed. My mother rejected me for a full year until finally listening to her heart and accepting me and my life partner. Although their rejections cut deeply, my coming out proved essential for my own wellbeing. By acting with courage in the face of my worst fear, I regained my connection to myself. I established myself as trustworthy, as authentic, and as loving to both myself and my partner/spouse. Courage was the foundation on which I established an intentional, meaningful life that has sustained me for fifty years. 

Caregiving

I thought I understood caregiving until it became my primary role for my spouse. For me, caregiving has always been an essential aspect of being in relationship with others, whether they be family or friends. After all, who doesn’t give care to their loved ones when they are in need? But looking after my spouse during an illness or a hospital stay didn’t prepare me for the caregiving responsibilities I took on when my spouse developed a fatal brain disorder known as frontotemporal degeneration/ dementia or FTD. 

It wasn’t the emotional support she needed that was difficult. Nor was it difficult for me to manage all of our household chores and financial matters. What was difficult was losing my spouse’s ways of nurturing our lives through her singing, her cooking, and her gardening. What was the most difficult was recognizing my own inability to manage her uncontrollable eating and her bowel incontinence gracefully. 

I eventually came to terms with my limitations by focusing on the types of caregiving I did well and seeking professional care assistance for the rest. After all, this part of our journey wasn’t about me. It was about giving my beloved the best care I could find for each phase of her brain condition. And it was about giving her my love through it all.

Healthy Love/Healthy Grief

Many have spoken about love and grief, and their inextricable relationship. When you love deeply, the death of your beloved will cause you to grieve deeply. That we all understand. For my part in this conversation, I want to focus on how to prepare for the inevitability of grief by fostering healthy love. For when your love relationship is strong and healthy, I believe your grief can be strong yet healthy as well. And by healthy, I mean your grief doesn’t debilitate you past the initial year of shock and the second year of slow acceptance and regained nervous system regulation. Healthy grief enables you to maintain your deep connection to your loved one while returning to all of the joys of life, as they would want you to do. And achieving healthy grief starts with establishing a relationship of healthy love while your loved one is still alive. I wish this for all of you.

I hope these reflections offer companionship to others walking similar paths.